The State of The Cocoon

My therapist told me that the more transparency I can have in my life, the happier I will be. I believe it. However, in my world, with┬ámy specific circumstances, it’s just not the best choice, either for me or for my family. I would experience more loss of close family than I care to deal with, and my wife and children would have to suffer multiple times more than they already do.

So, I continue to trust God for some kind of flourishing life within this cocoon…the shell that hides my straight acting, confident, hopeful, Christian, insecure, fearful, gay self.

It’s a place of safety. A place where I can hide, where all my stuff can be kept safely out of view of those who would never understand and who would wish me harm.

I work really hard at maintaining the shell’s strength and ensuring its integrity. But the tiniest fault line in this shell risks the oozing out of what I’ve kept so closely hidden for so long. I just can’t let that happen.

Except for the rare peek inside that I’ve allowed a few people to have, the cocoon remains intact.

I’m still here, alive and well…and doing a little better every day.

Thanks to the cocoon.

-Trevor

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The Love of a Woman

We are still a thing. We are still together.

You might say it’s an answer to prayer. Or a miracle. Or luck. Or hard work.

You would be right in all that.

I say it’s also because of the love of a woman.

The love of a good woman who daily reminds me of the good in my world and my life. That love keeps me focused of the most important priorities and helps me ignor the temptation to dwell on the lesser and harmful things around me.

The love of a faithful woman who continues to walk beside me in true companionship. That love keeps me grounded in the right relationships.

The love of a Godly woman who displays a heart that longs to know more about her Father and grow in His grace. That love points me to my ultimate worth that transcends all earthly existence.

We didn’t know if we would make it through the first days of this journey…then the first weeks…first months…but now a few years into it, we continue to live and love each other in the midst of this journey. Due, in large part, to love.

The love of a good, faithful, and Godly woman.

My wife.

My treasure.

-Trevor

Giving Thanks

It was a wonderful Thanksgiving Day!

Our apartment was full of family devouring all kinds of delectable foods. We sat back rubbing full bellies, wishing we had room for more.

But most satisfying of all are the hearts filled with love and happiness.

Of all the things I have to be thankful for, family is the most precious.

-Trevor

iRemain

A husband who gives all he has to show his loving wife just how much he loves, cherishes, and respects her.

A man who works tirelessly to learn more, embrace new challenges, take on the imperfect in order to be given the chance at higher positions for the good of those who depend on him.

A guy who believes in God and believes that He loves him. But, sometimes he feels like he is the black sheep of the family that no one wants to talk about, unless it is to simply point out all negative things.

A man who, in spite of his portrayed confidence, keeps deeply hidden a nearly overwhelming sense of self-doubt.

A guy who breathes and sees behind this mask known as “Trevor.”

A person who in some ways is much more transparent than ever before, and more secluded than ever in other ways.

A guy who is intelligent, funny, personable, caring, selfless, and determined.

And yet…

Sorrow swallows my memories

Loneliness devours my peace

Depression taints my dreams

Hopelessness envelopes my passions

Countless flaws seemingly outnumber attributes

Still, I will…

Love

Live

Give

Dream

In the cocoon, in my own way, in His time…

I remain.

-Trevor

Weekending

I’m waking up this morning in the beautiful Ozarks. The sun is shining brightly around a smattering of fog hugging the lake and the hillsides. The birds are happily singing their springtime tunes. The foliage is just beginning to put on the slightest tinge of green.

It is so quiet (except for the fishing boats I hear speeding along the lake to get to the favored honey hole). It is so peaceful. All seems to be in harmony.

I’ve been sitting here thinking about my life…my marriage…my family…my work…my faith.

I’m blessed.

Weekending takes one away from the normal humdrum, routine, and stresses of life. It helps the mind release. It helps the body relax. It restores. It rejuvenates. It reharmonizes. Or…it can, if we let it.

It will, if I let it

I know what matters. Most importantly, I know who matters.

I still believe there is hope for a beautiful life to be discovered within the cocoon.

So I choose to indulge in all the positive around me, and let the negative die the death of neglect.

The coffee’s not bad, either.

-Trevor