iRemain

A husband who gives all he has to show his loving wife just how much he loves, cherishes, and respects her.

A man who works tirelessly to learn more, embrace new challenges, take on the imperfect in order to be given the chance at higher positions for the good of those who depend on him.

A guy who believes in God and believes that He loves him. But, sometimes he feels like he is the black sheep of the family that no one wants to talk about, unless it is to simply point out all negative things.

A man who, in spite of his portrayed confidence, keeps deeply hidden a nearly overwhelming sense of self-doubt.

A guy who breathes and sees behind this mask known as “Trevor.”

A person who in some ways is much more transparent than ever before, and more secluded than ever in other ways.

A guy who is intelligent, funny, personable, caring, selfless, and determined.

And yet…

Sorrow swallows my memories

Loneliness devours my peace

Depression taints my dreams

Hopelessness envelopes my passions

Countless flaws seemingly outnumber attributes

Still, I will…

Love

Live

Give

Dream

In the cocoon, in my own way, in His time…

I remain.

-Trevor

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When Inadequcy Drives

Lots of things drive us. Success, money, prestige, position, authority, power, the past, present, and future. These drivers tend to steer our thoughts, moods, and ability to act in ways that we want to.

One driver that negatively impacts my sense of self-worth and mood at any given time are all my inadequacies. Especially in my relationship with my wife. These thoughts of inadequacy steer me toward feelings that range from deep embarrassment to extreme self loathing, and include great sorrow for her pain.

I can’t let those thoughts and feelings dictate my directions and decisions. I must be in control of all of my faculties…both body and mind.

It is kind of like an MMA match inside my being. My will pitted against the will of my opponent.

I must win.

At all costs.

Mind over matter.

I must be in control, not my inadequacies or any of the other things I listed above.

In control. Honestly. Transparently. Actively.

I drive.

-Trevor

Love In The Wintertime

As you can imagine (or maybe you can’t, so I’ll fill you in), my marriage is a challenge. Not because of my wife. Oh, no! She is the most loving, gracious, kind, and patient person I have ever met. Bar none!!

No, my marriage is a challenge because it’s mixed…mixed-orientation, that is. I’m gay, my wife is straight. That causes all kinds of challenges. My personal journey as a gay christian man who is in a heterosexual marriage is what this blog is all about…telling my, and our, story. (If this is your first visit, take some time and read through my “wanderings”…you will begin to catch a vision of our journey).

I’ve been thinking about our marriage the last few days. And the other night at work I started crying when a song came to my mind and I started singing it.

It goes like this…

“Some say love it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed”

“Some say love it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
And you it’s only seed”

“It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance”

“It’s the one who won’t be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dyin’
That never learns to live”

“When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong”

“Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun’s love
In the spring becomes the rose”
(The Rose, Bette Midler)

My wife is a lover. She loves me more than I can ever deserve. She has continued to take a chance on me, because she loves me so much. And even though she has stared the death of her dreams in the face, I believe that she is also discovering life in the midst of it all.

And even though Spring is coming to bloom all around us, in some ways our marriage is still in a winter season. Not dead. Not hopeless. Not desperate. No…far from it!

Because, winter does not equate to lifelessness.

Winter is just the prelude to new, colorful, bountiful, and beautiful life. It is the dress rehearsal. It is the final fitting.

The seed of a most awesome thing is soaking in God’s grace, mercy, and love. And…also soaking in our love for each other. That seed will one day break the surface of the soil of our life together, and will grow and bloom into something more wonderful than we can ever imagine.

Spring is coming.

-Trevor

Proving It

Proving it. That’s what I’m about these days.

It’s not for her belief, but because of my commitment.

My wife told me again yesterday that she just doesn’t know if she will ever believe me again when I tell her that I love her. I understand what she is saying. When it comes to the big issues of our marriage and family, there are too few items that she can feel total belief in anymore. It’s because of my unfaithfulness to her and the commitment I made to her at the marriage altar nearly 25 years ago. And who could blame her for feeling and thinking that way? I certainly don’t! It lies at my feet.

But, for whatever amount of trust that can be resurrected, her level of belief can’t be my motivation. The catalyst has to be the fulfillment of my commitment to fidelity. I’ve screwed that up royally, but she hasn’t asked me to leave, so, I’m taking that as another chance to get it right. I’ve made my decision. I will follow through.

Love is the strongest of emotions that humanity experiences. It can be manipulated, both negatively and positively. It can be led away by the siren’s song and find itself shipwrecked on the rocks of the lies of the singer. This is where she found herself. But it can also exist in triumph as a decision lived out in faithfulness and honor. This is where I hope and pray she will one day live once again. It really depends on the decision made, because at the heart of love, it is just that – a decision. I’ve made my decision. I will follow through.

There is so much uncertainty and so many unanswered questions. We haven’t been down this road before, and there is a scarcity of people in our same situation who are “out” about it. We are doing our best to figure out how to have a healthy mixed-orientation marriage on our own. The journey is more stressful than you can imagine. It is depressing. It lacks many of the joys we used to experience. But that can’t be an impediment to my forward progress. I can’t let that become a hindering force to my will. I’ve made my decision. I will follow through.

I want her to believe me. I need her to believe me. But in spite of all that – whether she ever does or not and my need of her to believe – I will keep doing what is right. I’ve learned that it’s never too late to do that.

Proving it. That’s what I’m about these days.

It’s not for her belief, but because of my commitment.

I’ve made my decision.

I will follow through.

-Trevor