The State of The Cocoon

My therapist told me that the more transparency I can have in my life, the happier I will be. I believe it. However, in my world, with┬ámy specific circumstances, it’s just not the best choice, either for me or for my family. I would experience more loss of close family than I care to deal with, and my wife and children would have to suffer multiple times more than they already do.

So, I continue to trust God for some kind of flourishing life within this cocoon…the shell that hides my straight acting, confident, hopeful, Christian, insecure, fearful, gay self.

It’s a place of safety. A place where I can hide, where all my stuff can be kept safely out of view of those who would never understand and who would wish me harm.

I work really hard at maintaining the shell’s strength and ensuring its integrity. But the tiniest fault line in this shell risks the oozing out of what I’ve kept so closely hidden for so long. I just can’t let that happen.

Except for the rare peek inside that I’ve allowed a few people to have, the cocoon remains intact.

I’m still here, alive and well…and doing a little better every day.

Thanks to the cocoon.

-Trevor

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The Love of a Woman

We are still a thing. We are still together.

You might say it’s an answer to prayer. Or a miracle. Or luck. Or hard work.

You would be right in all that.

I say it’s also because of the love of a woman.

The love of a good woman who daily reminds me of the good in my world and my life. That love keeps me focused of the most important priorities and helps me ignor the temptation to dwell on the lesser and harmful things around me.

The love of a faithful woman who continues to walk beside me in true companionship. That love keeps me grounded in the right relationships.

The love of a Godly woman who displays a heart that longs to know more about her Father and grow in His grace. That love points me to my ultimate worth that transcends all earthly existence.

We didn’t know if we would make it through the first days of this journey…then the first weeks…first months…but now a few years into it, we continue to live and love each other in the midst of this journey. Due, in large part, to love.

The love of a good, faithful, and Godly woman.

My wife.

My treasure.

-Trevor

Pain

Pain.

Pain in the moment.

A song to sing, a story to tell.

A sojourner’s heart to bind and heal.

Pain.

Pain in the memory.

That should be my happy wife.

That should be my faith community.

Pain.

Opportunity lost in the moments and the memories.

In the constant.

In the change.

My companion.

Pain.

Captive of Shame

“I hope nobody knows I’m your wife.”

She visited my place of employment to shop for something. When she came home, this is what she said. The shame she carries for my moral failure runs this deep. “What do they know about him?” “What do they say about me?”

I’ve created this. Yet, I’m powerless to cure this.

I’m sorry.

– Trevor

Ambush

Peaceful tranquility
Joyful contentment
Fun commitment

Terrifying weapon
Securely sheathed
Dismissed threat

Unexpected
Brash
Unthinking

Weapon unsheathed
Sneak attack
Weapon wielded

Tranquility disturbed
Peace lost
Pain reborn

Wounds open
Trepidation
Hesitation

Destruction witnessed
Danger perceived
Weapon re-sheathed

Forgive
Reconcile
Heal

-Trevor

Love In The Wintertime

As you can imagine (or maybe you can’t, so I’ll fill you in), my marriage is a challenge. Not because of my wife. Oh, no! She is the most loving, gracious, kind, and patient person I have ever met. Bar none!!

No, my marriage is a challenge because it’s mixed…mixed-orientation, that is. I’m gay, my wife is straight. That causes all kinds of challenges. My personal journey as a gay christian man who is in a heterosexual marriage is what this blog is all about…telling my, and our, story. (If this is your first visit, take some time and read through my “wanderings”…you will begin to catch a vision of our journey).

I’ve been thinking about our marriage the last few days. And the other night at work I started crying when a song came to my mind and I started singing it.

It goes like this…

“Some say love it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed”

“Some say love it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
And you it’s only seed”

“It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance”

“It’s the one who won’t be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dyin’
That never learns to live”

“When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong”

“Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun’s love
In the spring becomes the rose”
(The Rose, Bette Midler)

My wife is a lover. She loves me more than I can ever deserve. She has continued to take a chance on me, because she loves me so much. And even though she has stared the death of her dreams in the face, I believe that she is also discovering life in the midst of it all.

And even though Spring is coming to bloom all around us, in some ways our marriage is still in a winter season. Not dead. Not hopeless. Not desperate. No…far from it!

Because, winter does not equate to lifelessness.

Winter is just the prelude to new, colorful, bountiful, and beautiful life. It is the dress rehearsal. It is the final fitting.

The seed of a most awesome thing is soaking in God’s grace, mercy, and love. And…also soaking in our love for each other. That seed will one day break the surface of the soil of our life together, and will grow and bloom into something more wonderful than we can ever imagine.

Spring is coming.

-Trevor