Going All In

So, I’m going all in.

My pastor contacted me the other day and wanted to know if we could do lunch. I said yes, wondering what was up. The last time we had lunch was a rather stressful one, for me anyway, when I told him my “story” and “came out” to him. So, I was wondering what this appointment was all about. Lots of different imagined conversations zipped through my head. By the time the appointed time came, I was pretty edgy and had my emotional walls strongly erected.

You could have knocked me over with a feather when he said that the Minister of Worship at our church was leaving, and he wanted to know if I would be interested in taking over. Wha…?? Whoa…wait a minute! You know what you’re asking? That’s a really important ministry role in the life of the local congregation. You know who you’re asking?? I mean, I’m the guy who messed up really bad. I’m the guy that you know as the guy who lost his ministerial credential and almost his marriage because he had an extramarital affair. With a guy. I’m the guy that told you not long ago that I’m gay. Yeah, I’m that guy. So…what? Say again!?! Me??

Yeah. Me.

I was flummoxed. I was shocked. I was surprised. I was nearly speechless. We talked about worship in general…I shared my worship theology/philosophy. In the midst of my shock and surprise, I told him that I would think and pray about it and talk to my wife, and let him know. He needed an answer fairly quickly.

So I thought about it. I prayed about it. I talked to my wife about it. God said yes. My wife said yes. So, I said yes.

I’m kind of scared. I’m kind of nervous. I’m kind of excited. I’m kind of thrilled. I’m kind of really, really pumped!

Next Sunday I jump in. Not sure how I’ll land. It’s been a while since I did this, I’m a little rusty…ok, a whole lot rusty. But I’m more than willing to give it a shot. I’m willing to help out my church during this time without a key staff member. I’ve always been that kind of guy, willing to pitch in and help wherever I can and however I am skilled/gifted.

But, of all the things I’m feeling and thinking, the most powerful thought and feeling I have right now is…unworthy.

Why has my wife stayed with me?
Because I’m totally unworthy.

Why hasn’t God released His call off of my life?
Because I’m totally unworthy.

Why did God lead my pastor to talk to me?
Because I’m totally unworthy.

Why has this door been opened for me?
Why this second chance?
Why?

Because, I am not worthy!

Actually…in spite of not knowing how she loves and how He works…I do know what this is.

It’s not a position or a job or a ministry I’m jumping into.

It’s grace.

And I’m going all in.

-Trevor