iRemain

A husband who gives all he has to show his loving wife just how much he loves, cherishes, and respects her.

A man who works tirelessly to learn more, embrace new challenges, take on the imperfect in order to be given the chance at higher positions for the good of those who depend on him.

A guy who believes in God and believes that He loves him. But, sometimes he feels like he is the black sheep of the family that no one wants to talk about, unless it is to simply point out all negative things.

A man who, in spite of his portrayed confidence, keeps deeply hidden a nearly overwhelming sense of self-doubt.

A guy who breathes and sees behind this mask known as “Trevor.”

A person who in some ways is much more transparent than ever before, and more secluded than ever in other ways.

A guy who is intelligent, funny, personable, caring, selfless, and determined.

And yet…

Sorrow swallows my memories

Loneliness devours my peace

Depression taints my dreams

Hopelessness envelopes my passions

Countless flaws seemingly outnumber attributes

Still, I will…

Love

Live

Give

Dream

In the cocoon, in my own way, in His time…

I remain.

-Trevor

When Inadequcy Drives

Lots of things drive us. Success, money, prestige, position, authority, power, the past, present, and future. These drivers tend to steer our thoughts, moods, and ability to act in ways that we want to.

One driver that negatively impacts my sense of self-worth and mood at any given time are all my inadequacies. Especially in my relationship with my wife. These thoughts of inadequacy steer me toward feelings that range from deep embarrassment to extreme self loathing, and include great sorrow for her pain.

I can’t let those thoughts and feelings dictate my directions and decisions. I must be in control of all of my faculties…both body and mind.

It is kind of like an MMA match inside my being. My will pitted against the will of my opponent.

I must win.

At all costs.

Mind over matter.

I must be in control, not my inadequacies or any of the other things I listed above.

In control. Honestly. Transparently. Actively.

I drive.

-Trevor

A Letter To Myself, On the Night of My Suicide

Simply…powerful.

Spiritual Friendship

Garrett ThomasGarrett Thomas is from the Heartland and went to college in the Deep South. He is Southern Baptist and enjoys discussing friendship, family, and ethics from a conservative evangelical perspective. Follow his blog: The Night Is Nearly Over / The Day Is Almost Here. Follow him on Twitter @AlexiusIV.

Note to Readers: This came from quite a dark time in my life. But even in the dark, God works, and He is good, so good. May we never assume that everyone is always doing okay. Let’s ask one another and get in each other’s lives. The church needs to be a place of vulnerability and of honesty, where people are directed toward the hope of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Because, no one should ever die by their own hand.

“If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even…

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Vapors & Mists

Vapors & Mists
By: Trevor

Vapors and mists
That appear for just moments
They are born out of and then
They are burned away
By the stresses of life

Faces and voices
Which swirl and envelope
That enter and exit
My consciousness

Existing in my waking and
Walking around world
Living even still in my
Sleeping and dreams

Of faces
People in the past
And in the present
Countenances that speak volumes

Of voices
That carry many messages
Of mistakes of the past
And doubts for the future

Of faces and voices
From several and sundry
Places and worlds
Which have intersected my own

Of faces and voices
Each one
Vying for my attention and allegiance
Professing to have the truth

Of faces and voices
Some of which
Are easily forgotten
And others linger still

Of vapors and mists
I must recall
That they appear
And are soon gone

Of faces and voices
I must entreat
To stay on the fringes
And not feed defeat

Midnight Cry

I’m a crier. Maybe it’s because I have very leaky tear ducts. I choose to believe that I have a fairly soft heart. My family loves to make fun of me…even crying at Hallmark and Folgers commercials can be a regular occurrence. My wife and daughters will just laugh hilariously at me. It’s crazy…sometimes embarrassing…sometimes depressing…sometimes healing.

I’ve cried more in the last 24 hours than I have in a while.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night…and in very short order started crying.  It was like so much was immediately running through my brain. The weight of the entire world was laying on my heart in that moment. The wonderful wife that I was laying next to…who I had hurt so deeply. My children who I’m so proud of…to whom my positive influence has been hampered so greatly. My extended family…who will never look at me the same ever again. My ministry to and connection with other people…which has been dramatically halted and now uncertain. All of these people because they may never ever regain the trust they used to have in me. My broken marriage vows. My financial struggles. My lack of career fulfillment. My pain. My sexual dysfunctions. The hatred I have for myself. The horrific struggle I have in just making it through a day with a cheerful disposition. The fact that God feels so distant and silent. The hopelessness of it all. In exhaustion, I finally fell back to sleep. My pillow was soaked with my tears.

This afternoon, I was at a church volunteering my time as a sound engineer for an upcoming Christmas production. I sat at the sound board and sobbed. I used to spend a lot of time and energy singing. I haven’t sung for a long time now. My voice is so out of shape. But, it’s my strongest and most precious gift and talent. Singing is the way that I best express myself. Singing releases my spirit to speak to those who are listening, and breaks the chains of my soul in communing with God. I need to be singing! But, I don’t feel ready…and I don’t feel worthy. Maybe some day I will. Maybe some day this bird will be freed from his awful cage.

In the meantime, I cry.

I’m grateful that God understands all that is unspoken in my tears.

Each and every one.

-Trevor

An Old Friend – Reunited

An Old Friend – Reunited
By Trevor

Thought
Fleeting
Lights up my mind

Twinkle
Brightening
Sparks in my eyes

Spread
Lift
A grin ensues

Chest
Rattle
Chuckle in the start

Belly
Bubble
Gaffaw from the heart

Tears
Good
So hard the belly hurts

Emblazoned hope
Refreshing joy
Stress relieved
Fun experienced
Troubles forgotten

Glimmer
Sparkle
A fresh breath

On the horizon
A long lost friend
Reunion anticipated

Companion
Laughter
Returning home

Abyss

It’s 9:30 am. I work a late shift, so I’m trying to get my eyes to cooperate with my brain that says I’m awake now.  I used to be a morning person…not so much anymore. Then it dawns on me.

What in the heck happened during the last 8 hours while I was sleeping? It’s like a whole different atmosphere/environment/world. I went to bed in a good frame of mind, and now it seems like I’ve stepped off the edge into the abyss. Or was pushed. This is more than just waking up on the wrong side of the bed. I’m not in a bad mood. I’m just “struggling” to keep the right perspective on life.

12:30 pm – I’ve cleaned some carpet, gone to the grocery store, gotten ready for work, and eaten my lunch. Life’s humdrum. On the way back from the store, my mind goes to memories that I’m trying real hard to forget. It’s like I had moved on, then I had that dream the other night…and now I remember all over again. All of it. And, I’m still there. Trying hard to move past it…again. Have you ever been there?

It is really amazing how the human brain works. Just when we think we have it all together something throws us for a loop. A song, a conversation, a person…a dream.

Just gotta do what needs to be done today. Stuff the crap.