Screaming Into The Wind

Screaming into the wind
Of this existence
That seems to be pulling
And twisting and tangling me

Screaming into the wind
Of this life
That seems to be blowing
Hope and joy away with its bluster

Screaming into the wind
Of this marriage
That seems to be lacking
The strength to blow away the junk

Screaming into the wind
Of this faith
That seems to only
Be happy in considering me “fringe”

Screaming into the wind
Of this work
That seems to blow away
My passions and motivations

Screaming into the wind
Of this mind
That seems to never find
The peaceful rhythm it seeks

Screaming into the wind
Of this journey
That seems to be devoid
Of understanding and open friendships

Screaming into the wind
Of this life
That seems to only be cyclical
Dreams buried in the soil of monotony

Screaming into the wind
The howling wind
That seems to tear and tatter
The form and life of this man

Screaming into the wind
Barely hearing
The sound of my own ragged voice
Begging, pleading, hoping, crying

Screaming into the wind
Will this worm
Ever find hope, joy, and new life
Inside this claustrophobic cocoon?

Oh, for a calm from this howling wind
Oh, for a respite for my failing voice

-Trevor

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Eye to Eye

Seems to me, if you want to know the real me, look me in the eye.

Want to hear my backstory…my eyes speak volumns.

Want to learn of my talents, skills, and abilities…they sparkle in my eyes.

Want to begin to understand my passions and calling…my eyes reflect the needs.

Want to unlock my motivations and drives…my eyes hold the key.

Want to embrace my fears and tears…begin in my eyes.

Want to experience my joys and exuberation…discover them in my eyes.

I believe that no “heart to heart” understanding will ever exist between two humans, especially those who may have diametrically opposing points of view, without beginning with eye-to-eye interaction. For, in some important ways, being eye to eye isn’t about agreeing, but simply learning.

First, it requires close physical proximity. No “virtual” connection behind which we can hide or remain anonymous, at least to some degree.

Second, it acknowledges that the other side of the interaction is actually a human being. Not a theory, not a belief, not a movement, not a sin. A living, breathing human being.

Third, if we are serious about true engagement and learning, then it will require that we exercise major discipline. The act of simply keeping our mouths from spouting off along with listening closely are major hurdles for many.

Fourth, it facilitates clarification. The back and forth of conversational flow happens best in this type of setting while looking in another’s eyes.

Most importantly, the eyes are the gatekeepers of the heart. In the deepest ways and on the most important issues of life, we don’t enter into one another’s hearts unless we first look into each other’s eyes.

I am a man…a husband…a father…a grandpa…a Christian…gay…in a mixed oriented marriage…chaste.

But as complicated as all that is, there is much more to me. But, you will never know unless we get…

Eye to eye.

-Trevor

Hug

Bursting from the deepest recesses of the soul
Flooding and overflowing the heart
Washing over the mind
Penetrating into the very fibers of the body

Feeling the strength and warmth
Feeling the pulse and pound of the heartbeat
Feeling the love course in
Feeling the stress ebb away

So many hurting
So many missing out
So many passing up the opportunity
So many longing for just one…right now

Count me as one of the many

I need one

For my soul that is lacking
For my heart that is longing
For my mind that is cluttered
For my body that is weary

I long for one

A hug

-Trevor

Arithmatic

One plus one
Four minus two
Adding
Subtracting

Simple equations
Learned in one’s youth
Rediscovered as a power
Even to an eternal degree

May the thoughts of me
Which you harbor within
Be of shrinking, dying negatives
And growing, flourishing positives

-Trevor

Love In The Wintertime

As you can imagine (or maybe you can’t, so I’ll fill you in), my marriage is a challenge. Not because of my wife. Oh, no! She is the most loving, gracious, kind, and patient person I have ever met. Bar none!!

No, my marriage is a challenge because it’s mixed…mixed-orientation, that is. I’m gay, my wife is straight. That causes all kinds of challenges. My personal journey as a gay christian man who is in a heterosexual marriage is what this blog is all about…telling my, and our, story. (If this is your first visit, take some time and read through my “wanderings”…you will begin to catch a vision of our journey).

I’ve been thinking about our marriage the last few days. And the other night at work I started crying when a song came to my mind and I started singing it.

It goes like this…

“Some say love it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed”

“Some say love it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
And you it’s only seed”

“It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance”

“It’s the one who won’t be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dyin’
That never learns to live”

“When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong”

“Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun’s love
In the spring becomes the rose”
(The Rose, Bette Midler)

My wife is a lover. She loves me more than I can ever deserve. She has continued to take a chance on me, because she loves me so much. And even though she has stared the death of her dreams in the face, I believe that she is also discovering life in the midst of it all.

And even though Spring is coming to bloom all around us, in some ways our marriage is still in a winter season. Not dead. Not hopeless. Not desperate. No…far from it!

Because, winter does not equate to lifelessness.

Winter is just the prelude to new, colorful, bountiful, and beautiful life. It is the dress rehearsal. It is the final fitting.

The seed of a most awesome thing is soaking in God’s grace, mercy, and love. And…also soaking in our love for each other. That seed will one day break the surface of the soil of our life together, and will grow and bloom into something more wonderful than we can ever imagine.

Spring is coming.

-Trevor

Going All In

So, I’m going all in.

My pastor contacted me the other day and wanted to know if we could do lunch. I said yes, wondering what was up. The last time we had lunch was a rather stressful one, for me anyway, when I told him my “story” and “came out” to him. So, I was wondering what this appointment was all about. Lots of different imagined conversations zipped through my head. By the time the appointed time came, I was pretty edgy and had my emotional walls strongly erected.

You could have knocked me over with a feather when he said that the Minister of Worship at our church was leaving, and he wanted to know if I would be interested in taking over. Wha…?? Whoa…wait a minute! You know what you’re asking? That’s a really important ministry role in the life of the local congregation. You know who you’re asking?? I mean, I’m the guy who messed up really bad. I’m the guy that you know as the guy who lost his ministerial credential and almost his marriage because he had an extramarital affair. With a guy. I’m the guy that told you not long ago that I’m gay. Yeah, I’m that guy. So…what? Say again!?! Me??

Yeah. Me.

I was flummoxed. I was shocked. I was surprised. I was nearly speechless. We talked about worship in general…I shared my worship theology/philosophy. In the midst of my shock and surprise, I told him that I would think and pray about it and talk to my wife, and let him know. He needed an answer fairly quickly.

So I thought about it. I prayed about it. I talked to my wife about it. God said yes. My wife said yes. So, I said yes.

I’m kind of scared. I’m kind of nervous. I’m kind of excited. I’m kind of thrilled. I’m kind of really, really pumped!

Next Sunday I jump in. Not sure how I’ll land. It’s been a while since I did this, I’m a little rusty…ok, a whole lot rusty. But I’m more than willing to give it a shot. I’m willing to help out my church during this time without a key staff member. I’ve always been that kind of guy, willing to pitch in and help wherever I can and however I am skilled/gifted.

But, of all the things I’m feeling and thinking, the most powerful thought and feeling I have right now is…unworthy.

Why has my wife stayed with me?
Because I’m totally unworthy.

Why hasn’t God released His call off of my life?
Because I’m totally unworthy.

Why did God lead my pastor to talk to me?
Because I’m totally unworthy.

Why has this door been opened for me?
Why this second chance?
Why?

Because, I am not worthy!

Actually…in spite of not knowing how she loves and how He works…I do know what this is.

It’s not a position or a job or a ministry I’m jumping into.

It’s grace.

And I’m going all in.

-Trevor

Listen

The sound of His voice calling her name radically changed her world.

Listen.

John 20:16

~~~

-Trevor