The State of The Cocoon

My therapist told me that the more transparency I can have in my life, the happier I will be. I believe it. However, in my world, with my specific circumstances, it’s just not the best choice, either for me or for my family. I would experience more loss of close family than I care to deal with, and my wife and children would have to suffer multiple times more than they already do.

So, I continue to trust God for some kind of flourishing life within this cocoon…the shell that hides my straight acting, confident, hopeful, Christian, insecure, fearful, gay self.

It’s a place of safety. A place where I can hide, where all my stuff can be kept safely out of view of those who would never understand and who would wish me harm.

I work really hard at maintaining the shell’s strength and ensuring its integrity. But the tiniest fault line in this shell risks the oozing out of what I’ve kept so closely hidden for so long. I just can’t let that happen.

Except for the rare peek inside that I’ve allowed a few people to have, the cocoon remains intact.

I’m still here, alive and well…and doing a little better every day.

Thanks to the cocoon.

-Trevor

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Hero

I imagine that most men want to be someone’s hero…most humanity really. Not a tights and cape wearing version of a hero, but to be someone who others can look up to and admire.

I want to be that hero to someone. I think that I once was, but maybe not so much lately. In many ways, my life these days is made up of reminders of my terrible moral failure and the near destruction of my family. But, in spite of all that, maybe – just maybe – there are some reasons I can be someone’s hero.

My faith. I’m a Christian. That doesn’t mean that I’m perfect…far from it, in fact. It simply means that I live my life with the understanding that Jesus Christ is more knowledgeable and powerful than me, and I have committed my life to following a lifestyle that reflects His leadership in my life. That may not seem so heroic to some, but surrendering one’s life to a higher power takes great courage.

My marriage. All human relationships offer their own set of challenges. Marriage is a complicated journey. My marriage, a mixed-orientation marriage (I am gay, my wife is straight), is infinitely more complicated. Some may discount the effort required to grow and maintain a healthy mixed-orientation mrriage, but I can assure you that it is heroic.

My sexuality. As I stated above, I’m gay. I’m in a fully committed marriage with an awesome loving, kind, and gracious woman. I love her more than life itself. In the midst of that, it takes the strength of a super hero to stay sexually focused on my commitment to her, instead of going the way of my physical impulses and desires.

My work. I work two jobs, 65 hours per week. I’ve always done all it takes to provide for my family. My drive to excel has always highly motivated me – good is not good enough. Lots of other people work hard like me, and I can tell you, it takes heroic energy and drive to keep up that pace week in and week out.

So, maybe someday in some way I will once again be able to make a positive difference in someone’s life.

Until then, my training continues.

– Trevor

I Will Speak

This was written by an aquaintance of mine. It is simply too good not to pass on.

“Sure, I could be silent. 200 years ago, people said the same about slavery: Just shut up. I’m sorry, but this won’t go away, whether I speak or not.”

“But for the sake of the voiceless, I will speak. For the sake of those who are being kicked out of the church by the legalists, I will speak. For the sake of those who prayed endless nights to be “changed” but were not, I will speak. In fact, for the sake of Christ Himself, who recognizes nothing of His own Spirit in this homophobic, heartless and legalistic bunch, I will speak. Perhaps, just perhaps, some will finally listen. And show the compassion that should be the very heart of the gospel, rather than laws that have never been able to save anybody.”

“Amen” or “Thank You” is simply not sufficient.

Count me in!

-Trevor