The State of The Cocoon

My therapist told me that the more transparency I can have in my life, the happier I will be. I believe it. However, in my world, with my specific circumstances, it’s just not the best choice, either for me or for my family. I would experience more loss of close family than I care to deal with, and my wife and children would have to suffer multiple times more than they already do.

So, I continue to trust God for some kind of flourishing life within this cocoon…the shell that hides my straight acting, confident, hopeful, Christian, insecure, fearful, gay self.

It’s a place of safety. A place where I can hide, where all my stuff can be kept safely out of view of those who would never understand and who would wish me harm.

I work really hard at maintaining the shell’s strength and ensuring its integrity. But the tiniest fault line in this shell risks the oozing out of what I’ve kept so closely hidden for so long. I just can’t let that happen.

Except for the rare peek inside that I’ve allowed a few people to have, the cocoon remains intact.

I’m still here, alive and well…and doing a little better every day.

Thanks to the cocoon.



7 thoughts on “The State of The Cocoon

  1. What ever you do stay far far away from the influence of the world. Your strong for putting your family first and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. This world makes happiness seem like its the only thing that matters but its not. Talk to God about your struggle with homosexuality and pray for Him to help you overcome it, and devote yourself to your family and Him. I know the feeling of not being able to tell everyone your deepest struggle but as long as you confide in God and don’t let that struggle overtake you you will be perfectly fine. God will get you through and bring you joy!

    Liked by 1 person

    • “Talk to God about your struggle with homosexuality and pray for Him to help you overcome it, and devote yourself to your family and Him”… I have an issue with anyone that thinks you can “overcome homosexuality”. Do you think you can pray the gay away? I’m sure your comments had good intentions but I find it offensive that people still think this is a choice. God made him that way. It was not a mistake. It was not a path he decided to take and has now changed his mind. It’s part of his core! He has proven to be a good man and a good christian for standing by the family and wife you’ve made a commitment to. But there is nothing to overcome. Just take each day at a time and find truth and love in his plan.

      Liked by 1 person

      • My words were “Talk to God about your struggle with homosexuality and pray for Him to help you overcome it.” I am referring to the struggle with homosexuality not being a homosexual. I was encouraging Trevor to pray for God to help him remain strong through this obstacle. I never said ask God to remove the gay because I know it is not that simple. We can not pick which sin we want to haunt us through our lives but the things that burden us and cause affliction make a beautiful testimony to encourage our brothers and sisters who go through the same thing. I was encouraging Trevor to stay strong, listen to God and devote himself to God and his family. I also disagree with the statement’ ” God made him that way.” God does not create a child with sin attached to it. It was the fall of man that brought about struggles like this not God laying a homosexual heart inside of someone. My statements are with love I have love for my brothers and sisters in Christ. This is not a response with hostility, I’m simply explaining something that you misunderstood. 🙂


    • I did misunderstand and for that I apologize. I’m so used to the conservative christian viewpoint that the response was automatic. Your faith is obviously very strong. I cannot say the same about myself but I feel him and thank him daily all the same. Thank you for explaining.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Absolutely, Following Christ is about spreading His love, His word, and strengthening the community, that’s all I’m trying to do brother. Thank you for understanding.


  2. As someone who spent quite a bit of time inside a cocoon, I’m going to have to agree with your therapist. I’m not trying to rush you or dictate your timeline, but at some point, letting people into your life, your real life and not the one you present to the world, is going to be really important. All of that ooze that’s inside your cocoon is slowly festering and probably causing anger, depression, stress, and all sorts of other negative emotions and consequences. While they’re mostly trapped inside the cocoon, I’m sure they’re slowly leaking out and that’s probably going to harm your family at least as much as letting the truth out. Anyway, this is all my opinion based solely off of my own experiences and without any details of your life, but I wanted to throw in my two cents. I’ll be praying for you and your family and that God will guide you and keep you and bring you to a place of peace and rest.

    Liked by 2 people

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