Living With Chronic Pain

She is a hero.

Every day she is in continuous, nagging, dull, sharp, debilitating, depressing physical pain. At specific places…and all over. Some days are worse than others. Sometimes it comes in waves, the ebbs bringing some relief only to be replaced by the crashing of the flows. It’s her body that pains her so much.

In the midst of all that, she enjoys life, her children, her granddaughter, and me.

She is a hero.

Its called living with chronic pain.

It’s not just her body that hurts, her mind hurts. Memories, both good and bad, are the source of pain at times. Her heart hurts. Hopes and dreams that have been destroyed are the source of pain, as well. At times, I’m sure my presence causes her pain.

In the midst of all THAT, she still enjoys her life.

Its called living with chronic pain.

And she is heroic in how she deals with it all.

I, also, live in chronic pain. But my pain is not the same as her pain.

My pain comes from broken promises and vows, undervalued relationships, weakness in the face of temptation, damaged family and friends, and a lost life calling. And, from knowing I have caused so much of her pain. Among other things. Some never to be shared here. Or anywhere.

In spite of all that, I find joy in life.

Its called living with chronic pain.

But, it’s not heroic. I’m not much of a hero to anyone. Not sure that’s what I would really want, anyway. I’m not asking for anyone’s worship or sympathy.

I suppose I just wanted to say it.

It hurts.

-Trevor

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3 thoughts on “Living With Chronic Pain

  1. Hello Trevor. I am sorry your wife is in such Physical pain. Trust me I know it well. I wont bore you with the list of my physical body’s failings except to say that Monday I again got my monthly routine of horribly painful shots, yesterday it seems I dislocated my left hip just sitting in my chair , and have been using my walker for the last two days. So my best for your wife in her struggle.

    I simply disagree with your assessment of all your failings. Are you not human? If so you will have these failures, these lapse of judgement. My wonderful husband Ron has taken care of me most of our time together, and has done his very best to make things as well for us as they can be. We have been wealthy, and we have been poor, and we are now in the lower middle. But he also made mistakes. Just as I had. My disabilities, my body’s failures do NOT give me the right to expect him to be perfect and always right. Nor can I expect him to always understand my needs and address them. That wouldn’t be loving him, nor would it be respecting him. He is a person, and he has needs and wants and while he gives so very much to ensure my happiness, and my safety, he also has needs and rights. I was in a wheel chair for two and half years and he never complained. He has had to give up some of his dreams in order to make things better for me. For example he buys a top of the line van so I can ride as comfortable as possible, lay down as needed, rather than the sports car that would cost the same price. He works long hours and keeps us fed and sheltered and NEVER once made me feel guilty because I couldn’t help.

    But my point is I also reciprocate as best I can. On the days I can do things I do try. I try to help him be ready for work, and when able I make his coffee, I treat him like the grand person and wonderful king he is. I never forget his needs and try to address his wants.

    That is what a real marriage is. What real love is. It is not one side getting treated as royalty and the other as a pawn, a slave. It is accepting each other and their needs and wants. Just as Ron and I don’t always agree on what is a good food to eat, we don’t make villains out of the other for not liking the same food.

    You are in pain also. You deny your pain, you marginalize it, and that is heroic but also wrong. When Ron hurts he tells me. He shows me where, and I try to help. Sometimes it is simply saying I am sorry or rubbing it. It is not on the level of my bones breaking or my other life threatening problems, but it is just as IMPORTANT because it is hurting him. It demands and requires my attention to it. Why, because I love him!! So his sore shoulder is as important as my dislocated hip. His need to eat is as important as my wish to do something else. I hope I am being clear here. In a life of two people loving each other, there can not be one above the other, one right the other wrong, there can not be one who hold the high ground and the other looked down on. If so that is not love, that is not a marriage, that is not a commitment.

    Everyone makes mistakes, it is part of being human. I have, Ron has. You have, and yes your wife has. Accepting that and each other as equals and special is what love really is. Ron and I believe in this, let the mistakes you have done disappear with the sun at night. Never let the anger, the accusations, the need to be right or correct rise with the new sun. It could be said never go to bed angry. No one can live forever under the weight of being always wrong or condemned to constantly being wrong, the bad guy, the lowest one. After a time that person will break, that person will stop trying, that person will say ” well I have nothing left to give or anything to strive for, so I will stop trying”.

    I wish you the best. Grand and great hugs to you. Please let me know how you feel about my comment. You can use my personal email if you wish. Hugs

    Like

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