The Beautiful Mind Effect

It’s still there.

I’m loving my wife just a fully and faithfully as I know how. I’m avoiding anything and everything possible that would derail my integrity and destroy our relationship. Our peace, our laughter, our enjoyment, our intimacy is paramount to me. But in spite of all that awesome life I have with her…

It’s still there.

I’m trying my best to show my children that I love their mother and am deeply committed to our marriage. It is my hope that they will see and realize that I haven’t given up on us, on them, or on a happy future. But in spite of that…

It’s still there.

My mental state is one of sustained peace like none than I have experienced in a long time. My job situation is more stable, Our living arrangement is more agreeable. I’ve embraced who I am and what it takes to be contented with this crazy life that is mine. And it spite of that…

It’s still there.

My faith journey is one that is most interesting. I’ve come to believe that much of what I used to call my faith is simply organizational junk and mythical religiosity. I’m still sorting through many things, but I’ve stripped myself down to the bare bones of the basic tenets of the Christian faith. There are WAY more “non essentials” now in my faith than there used to be. But, in spite of all that…

It’s still there.

For as long as my memory goes back…the same now as at age 7 or 8…it’s still there.

The sight of a cute/handsome/hot guy catches my attention…and my mind wants to take me for a ride.

Ummm…<gulp>…focus!!

I’m calling it “The Beautiful Mind Effect”.

A Beautiful Mind is an awesome movie directed by Ron Howard and starring Russell Crowe, Ed Harris, and Jennifer Connelly. It is an absolutely engrossing depiction of the true life of Dr. John Nash, Princeton Mathematics Professor and Nobel Prize Winner, who happened to be a paranoid schizophrenic. In the final moments of the movie, Nash (portrayed by Crowe), in response to an inquiry of a colleague regarding his condition, said “I still see things that are not here. I just choose not to acknowledge them. Like a diet of the mind, I just choose not to indulge certain appetites; like my appetite for patterns; perhaps my appetite to imagine and to dream.”

Those really attractive guys that pass before my eyes are there. Really there…in flesh and blood. That’s the main difference between me and Nash. However, I am learning that my mind, like his, must be on a perpetual diet, I must choose not to indulge those “certain appetites.”

And I just want you to know how very difficult that is.

Very.

At times, it’s a hellish experience.

Because…my attraction to those guys…

Is still there.

– Trevor

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10 thoughts on “The Beautiful Mind Effect

  1. It’s still there because that’s exactly where it’s supposed to be. It frankly has nowhere else to be. I understand the path in life that you have taken and wish to preserve has very little to no space for certain appetites. And I commend you for exercising such dietary control. But to what extent (I have to play Devil’s advocate) are you willing to exile yourself from your true self. I mean no disrespect, just thinking aloud.

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  2. Hello Trevor. Like Oscar I have no wish to offend, or to belittle , or make lite of what are going through and trying to do. I also am worried about the long term effect on you. To deny such a powerful central inborn natural drive has caused others to become bitter, or suicidal. In fact that is one thing we fight today is the many young people who turn to taking their own life due to their feelings.

    You love your wife. That is grand. Wonderful. You are willing to sacrifice and to give your all to her, which is normal for a loving partner. But doesn’t she also have the same responsibility toward you? Do you have to shoulder all the weight, while your partner is not asked to also give some, to be willing to adjust. Surely some compromise that allows you to explore a little of your internal feelings, and still stay so deeply in love can be reached. If both love each the same, then both would want happiness for the other.

    I knew a couple in my youth. They had a wonderful loving life and two children. They did not view that they owned each other. They understood that they loved each other more than anyone else in the world. The man was bisexual. He desired and craved the touch and attention of men sometimes. They worked it out. They came up with some rules. First and foremost, their family came first, they would always come home to each other, and live forever with each other. They talked about all of it, hiding nothing from each other. If the man found someone he really wanted to have sex with, he would tell the wife, they would talk it out, she would either approve the sexual encounter or not. If she did not agree that extra person was OK for the man to have sex with after they talked, he wouldn’t do it. If she agreed that the extra person was OK and suitable, then they would make sure that respect for the family and the wife’s feelings were honored. In other words, not in the home, not in their bed. The point is it worked for them because they loved each other so deeply, and they always came back to each other.

    Other people I know have a third person in the relationship that ALL agree to and they work things out and have a great enjoyable life. In peace and harmony. These relationships are unique to each setting and so not of one mold. I know of three young men overseas who are deeply in love with each other. I know a husband and wife couple who have a close “friend” that each have sex with. I know one couple who have a live in “friend” that only one of the couple is involved with. Again it takes being honest and willing to work these things out.

    I am not saying this is the way for you. I am only saying please look into what things can be done with in your marriage, family, and faith, to try to balance the cost you are paying with the needs you naturally have. I hope this helps, as I care. Many hugs and best wishes.

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    • So gay people aren’t capable of being chaste, even when so many goods — faithfulness, family — necessitate chastity in Trevor’s case? That’s what I’m getting from your post, Scottie.

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      • Then you misread it my friend. Of course a gay person can be chaste, many are for their own reasons. My point is Trevor is struggling with this issue and it is not simply a one sided affair. He is struggling alone it seems. There are other ways and things to handle the situation, not just one . The fact is that faithfulness, family are not regulated just to a one man one woman only having missionary sex type thing. The fact is sexuality, sexual practice is far greater than many who limit themselves would understand. I understand some people are not wiling to open their minds on the issue, and have a limited view of sexual satisfaction, how ever I was speaking of everything from sexual toys, movies and videos, to simply engaging in non-sexual men’s groups that he can spend time with and bond and get some sensation from. I have on my blog list a gay man, very successful, in the middle east. He is gay, and dates, wants a man in his life, but he is not really into sex. He wants a platonic relationship with another man to go to movies, out to eat…Trevor could do the same. If you read my post carefully, you see that I was against what seems to be a one sided effort. The wife also has to accept and work with the fact of who he is. If she really loves him she will. Many times people marry and realize the person is not quite what they thought, but they still love them and make it work because of love. But I hear on the blog all the things Trevor has done, given up, tried so hard to do, but I never hear where she does much, other than demand he is going to be a religious man and stick to the way things were. If you took the example of the two different loving peoples I mentioned as some how not loving or family, you really missed it. The three boys are in a very loving and happy relationship, and yes it is sexual for all. The man and woman I mentioned have been together longer than most people live, and they have a great life, but they respect each other, and the others persons needs and space. Nothing unfaithful or non family about either of them. Best wishes and hugs

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      • So the “work” involved here is Trevor’s wife compromising on her definition of faithfulness, the definition she and Trevor agreed to, the definition functional in nearly every human society, the definition that provides children with one parent instead of “parental soup”?

        Even if such a thing were desirable (it isn’t, by my lights), you haven’t suggested how it is necessary. Trevor can be chaste, and faithful (in the narrow sense) to his wife. I myself do the same thing. I often want sex with another guy, but I’ve committed not to do that. And the want passes. It’s not a central thing to my life, and I don’t need it.

        Marriage is central to my life, and I desperately need it.

        I respect that you want what’s best here, but my own sense is that — if Trevor asked for compromise — he would get divorce. That’s what self-respecting women do when their husband pulls a bait and switch on them. It’s one thing to go astray through weakness and sin, but another thing entirely to attempt to redefine marriage halfway through a marriage.

        Blessings,
        Daniel

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  3. Daniel you are making this an either or situation when I did not. You are hung up on being chaste as if that solves everything. It doesn’t. Now like I said, I have known gay priests, and gay monks who chose to go with out sexual pleasure. There is a difference however between actions and desire, between having sex with some of the same gender and being sexual or sensual. One is an act the other an idea, a feeling. If you are gay and as you admit, you feel a want and need. I do not believe it is healthy to not have an outlet for such deep rooted and inborn feelings and needs.

    I don’t see why Trevor or his wife needs a divorce. If they think of each other as people with their own rights, instead of thinking that they OWN the other person. To me it is totally wrong for the wife not to try to see this from Trevor’s side. He is not property, nor is she. They are thinking rational people, and each has needs and wants and desires.

    I wonder how you feel about my marriage. 25 years of a wonderful relationship. Not once did I feel I owned my husband nor him me.

    Marriage is redefined almost every day in a relationship. Things change, people change, we get older, our shape changes, we have different wants and needs, we change what we like to eat, who we want to be around. If your marriage has not changed then it is static, non-growing, dead by routine. Also I totally dismiss the sin argument. Sorry but that has nothing to do with this issue as far as I am concern. God created Trevor as he is, gay with same sex feelings. If you accept that god created him, then God wanted him to be gay and part of that is finding fulfillment. Notice I said fulfillment, not same gender sex, but if that is where it goes, OK.

    I posted many different ways to handle it and you jumped right same gender sex. Also I sand by my point that it is a two way street. If marriage means helping each other and being there for each other it is EACH OTHER, not just one. That kind of thing is called slavery

    By the way the version of marriage you are talking about is NOT “functional in nearly every human society”, ( I assume you meant fundamental, because functional makes no sense ) it is the version used by American christian groups with in a grouping of religious sects. I traveled the world while young, and I read and talk to people all over the world today. Not in any other country was marriage described just as it is by some here. Too many versions due to customs and laws. Some are stricter, some loser, some multiples. But not the same world wide and not by a majority.

    Now you seem hung up on two things in our talks, neither which are really any of either of our business, Trevor having sex with a same gender, and his wife.

    On the wife I said she needs to accept him as he is, to care for him enough to want him to be happy, to love him enough to be willing to take his needs and desires and wants into consideration. Just as he does hers. How they work that out is up to them, as I mentioned everything from soup to nuts and wont repeat it again. If she loves him, cares about him as much as he does her, then she has to do this. Failure to care about his needs and desires as he cares for hers shows it to be a one side love affair. To me that is not marriage. When only one side cares enough to do as much as possible to make the other happy, and the other side doesn’t do anything but want things that make them happy, it shows. It is one sided, one way. That is not marriage, that is selfish ownership of the other person. That is the only thing I am saying about the wife. If she loves him she will meet him half way across the river, go half way across the bridge, do more than just try to forget it, she has to accept him. That is love, accepting the good and bad about your spouse.

    As for the child thing, it is not valid. There are many types of families, we have a son, now a productive happy adult, and the President was raised by a single mother. Even if they split up, and I see no reason they have to, the children will still have two parents.

    Hope I have cleared up your misconceptions of my comment. I feel rather bad we are treating Trevor’s life, with all his pain, as a debate. I would rather not do this. I think Trevor has enough intelligence to move forward as he wishes and how he fulfills his needs. He made a blog post, and I returned a comment to him I felt could be of some help. It really was directed to Trevor and it is HIS opinion I would rather hear. But if this back and forth helps Trevor then I am OK with it. Thanks and hugs

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