“Please Wait While Your Page Loads.”

So, you sit there and star at the little circle go around and around and around. Waiting on what seems like an eternity for the page to load.

I haven’t posted for a while because I’m still staring at the going-around circle.

You might call it writer’s block. And there might be several reasons for that, including – so much that I want to say, I don’t know where to start; disappointment in that the support I had imagined would materialize was just that – imaginary; frequent reminders that I’m on this journey all by myself – many close by seem to only be interested in being a spectator; loving my wife and family so very much and feeling quite inadequate to provide what they need; feelings and attitudes I’m still struggling to reconcile and put in proper perspective; doing everything I can to not revert back to an unhealthy compartmentalized life; trying to figure out what to do with the last half of my life; weariness; etc, etc…

I’m still here.

-Trevor

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4 thoughts on ““Please Wait While Your Page Loads.”

  1. A heavy heart can break your back. Don’t let other’s feelings and attitudes weigh you down. Revisit the reasons you started this blog and embrace the progress you’ve made thus far. Onward and upward should not be compromised. Great to have you back after two weeks!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hello Trevor. I also am glad to see you back online and I agree with what Oscar said above. Your journey is a hard road to walk, full of pitfalls and obstacles, and I can see where doubt in your self could make it even harder. I think it is important that before you wish others to believe in you, that you believe in your self. You are important, you are a viable being and you are a great person. Believe in your self.

    You are trying to live in two worlds, worlds that sometimes seem opposed to each other. That is hard. The path you are walking is a hard one. While you can draw on the past for help, and use new experiences to help shore up your spirits, I would ask you to remove the negative influences from your life. They seem to be dragging you down. I would suggest if you are not getting the support and understanding you need from your old friends and places of worship that you then look for other support groups. Look for support groups, look at places that you can mingle with others and talk openly about your situation. Look up gay friendly churches and talk to the pastors and the people of the church. You may find a few words that spark something inside you. I do wish you the very best and I will keep you in my thoughts. I will check your blog often to see how you are doing. Best wishes, and joy in life for you. Hugs

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  3. I came across a very wise saying recently. It was this: “It’s seldom the best course of action to embrace that which simply makes me feel good about myself.”

    I feel like you are being tempted to do precisely that, Trevor. I feel like you have this tremendously good vision for helping young people who find themselves attracted to the same sex, but I also think that you are feeling defensive against those who have a different perspective on homosexuality than you do. But they do not need to agree with you in order to walk with you. And you don’t know how God will lead you, and where you will go.

    But you need to reject every temptation to pride on the journey. Pride means this: “I set the terms of our interaction”. In the Christian life, we don’t ever get to set the terms unless someone else is sinning against us or suggesting that we sin. We always need to bow.

    Our model is not the person who says “This is the way I am, and you can all get used to it.” Our model is Jesus, who, though in the form of God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but who instead lowered himself, taking the form of a servant. A servant who most definitely did not set the terms of his interactions with us — and who died because of it.

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    • Thanks for stopping by, Daniel! And thanks for commenting! You make some good points.

      Sure, I’m tempted as you describe…just like you and everyone else. We want the universe to rotate around us. Guilty as charged.

      I also admit to being somewhat defensive. However, when I’ve attempted to have a conversation and I encounter others who simply wish to reframe my story into what is more palatable to them instead of simply hearing my story and soaking it in, it’s a real tall order to not be defensive. In that regard, I do, in fact, set the terms. It’s my story, not their’s. I’ve heard “their” side of things all my life. It’s time they hear mine. I’ve just begun to share.

      A conversation is truly hearing both sides…transparently and truthfully. If the story isn’t allowed to flow freely in those two ways, conversation – and community – just won’t happen.

      As to our model…I have a long way to go to meet His high standard. The good thing is that He listens intently to my story. Just as I say it. It doesn’t freak Him out. It doesn’t make Him nervous.

      Thanks, again for sharing. I truly appreciate your point of view!

      Like

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