The melancholy hit me during my work shift last night. It was my dream last night. It is my companion this morning.
It must be horrific to be my wife. Lost faith. Trust destroyed. Devastated security. Intimacy defaced. Friends and family questioning. “Will it ever be ‘happily ever after’ again?”
It must be embarrassing to be my child. Daddy cheated on mom…and all that goes along with that. Enough said.
It must be terrible to be my family member or friend. At best awkwardness. At worst abandonment. My list of those who “know” and who have stayed by my side has gotten quite short. Even some that I believed would never walk away have done just that.
I am a fairly quiet and introverted person. I tend to be on the shy side. It takes me a while to build healthy and meaningful relationships. And when I got to the point that I could trust enough to share this most hidden part of myself with those that I grew to love and respect, sadly some of them moved on and out of my life. It makes my already small circle of intimate friends even smaller. I get it. For them, I’ve become rather untouchable. It makes me feel lonely. It makes me very melancholy. Actually…sad. And angry. But, I am a really nice guy. So, in spite of how deeply I feel their absence, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. And try to move on.
I know that it is not easy living with me.
I have to.