Untouchable

The melancholy hit me during my work shift last night. It was my dream last night. It is my companion this morning.

It must be horrific to be my wife. Lost faith. Trust destroyed. Devastated security. Intimacy defaced. Friends and family questioning. “Will it ever be ‘happily ever after’ again?”

It must be embarrassing to be my child. Daddy cheated on mom…and all that goes along with that. Enough said.

It must be terrible to be my family member or friend. At best awkwardness. At worst abandonment. My list of those who “know” and who have stayed by my side has gotten quite short. Even some that I believed would never walk away have done just that.

I am a fairly quiet and introverted person. I tend to be on the shy side. It takes me a while to build healthy and meaningful relationships. And when I got to the point that I could trust enough to share this most hidden part of myself with those that I grew to love and respect, sadly some of them moved on and out of my life. It makes my already small circle of intimate friends even smaller. I get it. For them, I’ve become rather untouchable. It makes me feel lonely. It makes me very melancholy. Actually…sad. And angry. But, I am a really nice guy. So, in spite of how deeply I feel their absence, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. And try to move on.

I know that it is not easy living with me.

I have to.

-Trevor

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7 thoughts on “Untouchable

  1. I can so relate to this. I’ve been there, repeatedly, and know I’ll be in that place again. So what would I tell myself? Of course I never believe myself in that situation, but perhaps you can 🙂

    I’m sure it’s NOT “horrific” to be your wife. Her faith has almost certainly been challenged, but probably not totally lost. Her trust has been damaged, but probably not destroyed.

    Your child (children?) – so they now realize you’re not perfect. You’re human. Can you still love people who are imperfect? I bet you can. I bet they can too.

    The sense of isolation is real. I feel it too. I hope that in the coming days, your brighter moments will outnumber the dark ones.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I hate to be the one to dish out the tough love, especially since I cannot place myself in your shoes. Certainly I can feel your pain, the sence of having hurt those we love and feeling helpless to aid them towards recovery.

    But as the old adage states, We always hurt the ones we love the most. I’m pretty sure this time it applies to yourself.

    I do not mean to discredit what your wife, children and family/friends are feeling and going through, but how much of your melancholy is brought on by projection?

    I guess what I am saying is step back and revisit the big picture. You’ll see the love is still there. From them. For them. For yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can handle tough love…bring it on! 🙂

      I agree, the love IS still there. And, yes, I’m sure I’m projecting feelings upon people that they really don’t carry…at least for most of them.

      Actually, I think some of my immediate melancholy is because my wife has such a close relationship with several friends, especially her sisters and a cousin. I’m jealous. That’s what I want…and need.

      But…I’m a guy…and we don’t do that, I guess.

      Thanks for your encouraging and tough love comments!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m a guy. Last time I checked. And I do “do that”. I have a great relationship with my siblings, more so my three sisters and mother than my brothers and father, but then that’s another of my OGT’s. I’m fortunate to have that closeness with them. But it didn’t happen overnight. We often find, especially in the early stages of coming out, a comfort level with complete strangers and friends, more so than with our own blood. Reach out, seek out, to a confidante. Your own words can heal as much as medicine, all she has to do is lend an ear.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I need to do what you are saying. It’s really tough for me. Under normal circumstances, gaining trust in someone is really difficult for me. In this scenario, even more so. I’m trying to open up more with some select people who are proving their trustworthiness. It’s just gonna take me a while.

        Again…thanks for the support and prodding. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello and My best wishes for you. I want to comment on your post. I understand it all too well. I suffer from many problems, illnesses., and one of those is depression. I can take on several personality’s, It is not something I am proud of, however it is my life and I am lucky to have one great man who loves me to stand by me and to give me strength and love. Some times I accuse my wonderful love of the most awful things, I go off on him and say the meanest of things. It happens because I misunderstand the things I see or hear or feel. They are real but the interpretation of them is in my own mind. So I understand what you are saying. Lucky for me and very lucky for me I have a lover who understands it all and is willing to put up with it and handle it.

    I wish you the very best and the most love. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

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