Proving It

Proving it. That’s what I’m about these days.

It’s not for her belief, but because of my commitment.

My wife told me again yesterday that she just doesn’t know if she will ever believe me again when I tell her that I love her. I understand what she is saying. When it comes to the big issues of our marriage and family, there are too few items that she can feel total belief in anymore. It’s because of my unfaithfulness to her and the commitment I made to her at the marriage altar nearly 25 years ago. And who could blame her for feeling and thinking that way? I certainly don’t! It lies at my feet.

But, for whatever amount of trust that can be resurrected, her level of belief can’t be my motivation. The catalyst has to be the fulfillment of my commitment to fidelity. I’ve screwed that up royally, but she hasn’t asked me to leave, so, I’m taking that as another chance to get it right. I’ve made my decision. I will follow through.

Love is the strongest of emotions that humanity experiences. It can be manipulated, both negatively and positively. It can be led away by the siren’s song and find itself shipwrecked on the rocks of the lies of the singer. This is where she found herself. But it can also exist in triumph as a decision lived out in faithfulness and honor. This is where I hope and pray she will one day live once again. It really depends on the decision made, because at the heart of love, it is just that – a decision. I’ve made my decision. I will follow through.

There is so much uncertainty and so many unanswered questions. We haven’t been down this road before, and there is a scarcity of people in our same situation who are “out” about it. We are doing our best to figure out how to have a healthy mixed-orientation marriage on our own. The journey is more stressful than you can imagine. It is depressing. It lacks many of the joys we used to experience. But that can’t be an impediment to my forward progress. I can’t let that become a hindering force to my will. I’ve made my decision. I will follow through.

I want her to believe me. I need her to believe me. But in spite of all that – whether she ever does or not and my need of her to believe – I will keep doing what is right. I’ve learned that it’s never too late to do that.

Proving it. That’s what I’m about these days.

It’s not for her belief, but because of my commitment.

I’ve made my decision.

I will follow through.

-Trevor

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5 thoughts on “Proving It

  1. I haven’t words to console
    So here are a few that I stole
    From the beautiful mind of Gore
    May they soothe you down to the core.

    “She doesn’t
    trust him
    Nothing is true
    But he will do

    In a world full of nothing
    Though it’s not love
    It means something”

    —World Full Of Nothing
    Martin Gore, Depeche Mode

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello. I think we all transgress, we all let others down, we all have failed at one time or another. The important thing is we do the three R’s. Regret, remorse, repentance. It seems you have done this. I see you know what you want most and what you desire. I wish you the very best and the most happiness, and all health. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “Love is the strongest of emotions that humanity experiences. It can be manipulated, both negatively and positively. It can be led away by the siren’s song and find itself shipwrecked on the rocks of the lies of the singer. But it can also exist in triumph as a decision lived out in faithfulness and honor. It really depends on the decision made, because at the heart of love, it is just that – a decision.”

    Oh my gosh, this is beautiful. And so very true. Love is so much more than an emotion…sometimes love is a choice.

    Like

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