I’m a crier. Maybe it’s because I have very leaky tear ducts. I choose to believe that I have a fairly soft heart. My family loves to make fun of me…even crying at Hallmark and Folgers commercials can be a regular occurrence. My wife and daughters will just laugh hilariously at me. It’s crazy…sometimes embarrassing…sometimes depressing…sometimes healing.
I’ve cried more in the last 24 hours than I have in a while.
I woke up in the middle of the night last night…and in very short order started crying. It was like so much was immediately running through my brain. The weight of the entire world was laying on my heart in that moment. The wonderful wife that I was laying next to…who I had hurt so deeply. My children who I’m so proud of…to whom my positive influence has been hampered so greatly. My extended family…who will never look at me the same ever again. My ministry to and connection with other people…which has been dramatically halted and now uncertain. All of these people because they may never ever regain the trust they used to have in me. My broken marriage vows. My financial struggles. My lack of career fulfillment. My pain. My sexual dysfunctions. The hatred I have for myself. The horrific struggle I have in just making it through a day with a cheerful disposition. The fact that God feels so distant and silent. The hopelessness of it all. In exhaustion, I finally fell back to sleep. My pillow was soaked with my tears.
This afternoon, I was at a church volunteering my time as a sound engineer for an upcoming Christmas production. I sat at the sound board and sobbed. I used to spend a lot of time and energy singing. I haven’t sung for a long time now. My voice is so out of shape. But, it’s my strongest and most precious gift and talent. Singing is the way that I best express myself. Singing releases my spirit to speak to those who are listening, and breaks the chains of my soul in communing with God. I need to be singing! But, I don’t feel ready…and I don’t feel worthy. Maybe some day I will. Maybe some day this bird will be freed from his awful cage.
In the meantime, I cry.
I’m grateful that God understands all that is unspoken in my tears.
Each and every one.