Good Luck With That

Imagine being handed the seemingly most impossible task of your life. Like being a first-grader and asked to explain the intricate details of nuclear fusion. Or like being a culinary misfit and expected to create the most delectable seven course feast.

Or like being a mixed-orientation married couple and expected to have a thriving relationship.

All those things are possible, but only with a whole lot of learning and coaching and mentoring and practice. The thing is, sometimes all the tools you need are seemingly nowhere to be found.

My wife and I are truly doing our very best to make this marriage work…and even more than “work,” we are doing everything we can to make it thrive. The challenges that face us are unmistakable and inescapable. They are stressful and rob us of the joy of life. They rob us of sleep, bring us to tears, and drive us into depression. We need help and advice from other couples in the same position who will share with us tips that make their marriages thrive. So, we go looking for help.

We were talking about this just the other day and doing more searching for help, looking for blogs or anything that would give us some good, sound advice through shared life experiences. But, it is amazing that in this day of information overload, one is hard pressed to find healthy advice coming from a committed relationship like ours. I mean, you can Google “mixed orientation marriage” and get all kinds of hits with all kinds of experiences and advice, much of which we reject simply because the moral ethic espoused does not agree with ours. But, if you search for “christian mixed orientation marriage” the list is dramatically reduced to an almost insignificant number.

So, why can’t we find the help we need? I would propose that one main reason is because the Church has yet to find a healthy voice in the discussion. Because, to many in the Church, the LGBTQ community has little to no value – unless, of course, they recant of their ways and become “straight.” It’s because the Church can’t talk about sex, not even healthy heterosexual sex, or sex drives, or sex fantasies, or lusts, or masturbation, or anything sex related without starting at a point of condemnation. Many like to say “love the sinner, hate the sin” but at the same time really want the sinner to become sinless before they are welcomed in. Especially when it comes to LGBTQ issues. In spite of the fact that the church is swimming in a tidal wave of a multiplicity of sins that are “accepted,” and in spite of the fact that there are church-sponsored support groups for nearly everything under the sun, these are “special” and “abominable” things that should never see the light of day. Some even refuse to acknowledge the reality of a gay christian, which translates into self-imposed blindness at who is a part of the Church. So, because this conversation can’t seem to get off the ground, the help my wife and I need so desperately is nowhere to be found.

It’s almost like we are being told, “Good luck with that!”

In spite of being stressed, we aren’t quitting.
In spite of being depressed, we aren’t quitting.
In spite of the joy being too sparsely experienced, we aren’t quitting.
In spite of the tears of sadness, we aren’t quitting.
In spite of not having nearly enough answers, we aren’t quitting.
She is not kicking me out.
I’m not leaving.
We aren’t quitting.
We aren’t giving up.

We are going to figure this out.

It’s gonna take more than luck.



4 thoughts on “Good Luck With That

  1. Hi Trevor,

    I stumbled upon your blog while reading the comments section of another post elsewhere.

    I’m also in a mixed-orientation marriage, and I know what you mean about the lack of information out there! I led a workshop in a church conference recently about how the church can reach out to the lgbtq community, and how they can support gay Christians who want to stay faithful to what God has called them to.

    Of course, people asked me about my marriage, how we coped emotionally, and how we handled challenges. The way they asked the questions gave me the impression that they expected me to have a clear, insightful answer. And I basically told them “I can tell you what we’ve done, but it’s been terribly messy, and I don’t know if it’s really the way a couple should do things. But we haven’t exactly got a lot of shining examples to look to or to ask advice from. We’ve just been sort of praying and stumbling along trying to figure this thing out. And right now, we’re in a better place than we’ve been in a while.”

    And yes, the church has a long, long way to go before we get to a place where people can comfortably open up and deal with this in a healthy way. But on a positive note, I think we are in a much better place than when the only two narratives out there were the “promiscuous homosexual” or the “ex-gay” who’s married and lives happily ever after in his newfound world of straightness.


    • Mike,

      Thanks for the visit and for the thoughtful response!

      My wife and I can relate to what you describe as the “sort of praying and stumbling along” relationship. And since my coming out was recent, we are just really starting to get a feel for things.

      I agree with you that the church, in general, is at a better place than it ever has been. Although, I will confess to a certain amount of skepticism and frustration. I’m sure that came through in my post more than I would have liked for it to have.

      Again, thanks for stopping by, and come back again!



  2. October 23, 2014
    As a friend who loves you and your wife, I must say this…you are not finding your answers because you are looking outside of the Bible. What does God’s Word say…not what does the Church say, not what do other Christians say, not what does current cultural biases say…what does the authoritative,inerrant Word of God say? And do you accept God’s Word to be God’s Word…His words…the Sovereign Creator & King of the universe who brought this world into existence just by SPEAKING? What does the Bible say about being “unequally yoked?” It is not about what you’ve done to make this work…it is about what does God say? What does He say about marriage, about the husband’s role as the spiritual head of the home, about honoring God with your bodies, etc.? What is God’s Word about living holy lives? What is God’s standard and does it match our culture? Is living in a “MOM” truly what God’s Word says is acceptable and honoring to Him, or is it “your solution?” How does this choice reflect God’s Word that says “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church?” Or does it reflect God’s Word at all?
    Is God in the business of making us happy? Or holy?
    The answers you seek truly are in God’s Word…whether you accept His Words or not is between you & Him…no one else.
    Respectfully submitted…


  3. Pingback: The Conversation Begins: Motivators and Positives | LifeInCocoon

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