Imagine being handed the seemingly most impossible task of your life. Like being a first-grader and asked to explain the intricate details of nuclear fusion. Or like being a culinary misfit and expected to create the most delectable seven course feast.
Or like being a mixed-orientation married couple and expected to have a thriving relationship.
All those things are possible, but only with a whole lot of learning and coaching and mentoring and practice. The thing is, sometimes all the tools you need are seemingly nowhere to be found.
My wife and I are truly doing our very best to make this marriage work…and even more than “work,” we are doing everything we can to make it thrive. The challenges that face us are unmistakable and inescapable. They are stressful and rob us of the joy of life. They rob us of sleep, bring us to tears, and drive us into depression. We need help and advice from other couples in the same position who will share with us tips that make their marriages thrive. So, we go looking for help.
We were talking about this just the other day and doing more searching for help, looking for blogs or anything that would give us some good, sound advice through shared life experiences. But, it is amazing that in this day of information overload, one is hard pressed to find healthy advice coming from a committed relationship like ours. I mean, you can Google “mixed orientation marriage” and get all kinds of hits with all kinds of experiences and advice, much of which we reject simply because the moral ethic espoused does not agree with ours. But, if you search for “christian mixed orientation marriage” the list is dramatically reduced to an almost insignificant number.
So, why can’t we find the help we need? I would propose that one main reason is because the Church has yet to find a healthy voice in the discussion. Because, to many in the Church, the LGBTQ community has little to no value – unless, of course, they recant of their ways and become “straight.” It’s because the Church can’t talk about sex, not even healthy heterosexual sex, or sex drives, or sex fantasies, or lusts, or masturbation, or anything sex related without starting at a point of condemnation. Many like to say “love the sinner, hate the sin” but at the same time really want the sinner to become sinless before they are welcomed in. Especially when it comes to LGBTQ issues. In spite of the fact that the church is swimming in a tidal wave of a multiplicity of sins that are “accepted,” and in spite of the fact that there are church-sponsored support groups for nearly everything under the sun, these are “special” and “abominable” things that should never see the light of day. Some even refuse to acknowledge the reality of a gay christian, which translates into self-imposed blindness at who is a part of the Church. So, because this conversation can’t seem to get off the ground, the help my wife and I need so desperately is nowhere to be found.
It’s almost like we are being told, “Good luck with that!”
In spite of being stressed, we aren’t quitting.
In spite of being depressed, we aren’t quitting.
In spite of the joy being too sparsely experienced, we aren’t quitting.
In spite of the tears of sadness, we aren’t quitting.
In spite of not having nearly enough answers, we aren’t quitting.
She is not kicking me out.
I’m not leaving.
We aren’t quitting.
We aren’t giving up.
We are going to figure this out.
It’s gonna take more than luck.