Whys and What Ifs

Let’s not go there. I suggest that there are better questions.

Asking why I’m gay, trying to figure out the cause – genetic, familial environment, abuse, or choice – assumes that there will be an easy answer and thereby an easy solution. Really, if after a couple of decades of trying to answer that question myself, and not coming up with a clear-cut answer, I seriously doubt that anyone else will have better luck.

A better question might be, “are you sure?” After years of trying to be something different, after years of living as something different, after years of unanswered prayers, after years of seriously considering everything from disappearance to suicide, and after completing multiple versions of the Kinsey test to determine basic sexual orientation…after all that I’m at the only place I can be at this point. The question has been answered. Yes, I’m gay.

So many “what if” questions could be – and have been – asked. What if I had been reared in an accepting family? What if I had been welcomed by an accepting religious community? What if I had never met him? What if I had never had that affair? What if I had never admitted to being gay? What if…what if…what…if… Asking that kind of question will seriously and completely drive a person crazy.

A better question might be, “what now?” That question asks for transparency and integrity. The answers may be very painful, but are necessary. My “what now” includes a commitment to my wife and family, a continuing redefining of my faith, attraction and temptation whenever a hot guy walks by, finding a voice for my journey via this blog, and a progressing state of health.

I’m re-framing the conversation for a better outcome.

Are you up for a new conversation?



2 thoughts on “Whys and What Ifs

  1. Nice post and good on ya!

    Sounds like you are taking your life by the reigns and steering towards a healthier route.

    Although we might have reached a point where we tire of the Whys and What Ifs, those in our lives may not necessarily be traveling on this journey with us, at our speed.

    But it sounds like you have exercised plenty of patience with those riding on your wagon. The challenge of course remains, and starts up all over again every time you make a pit stop and have to deal with the locals.

    Glad to see that you are still sitting up front with reigns in hand.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for your comments!

    I agree with the sentiment to “bring along” family and friends who are still learning the real me. It is a learning curve for them, to some degree, just like it is for me.

    As you are aware, some days my steering is better than others. 😊

    I appreciate your thoughtful replies!


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