It has been so liberating to be able to give voice to my real self…at least to the limited degree to which I’ve been able to share with friends and loved ones. But, the sad part is, I’m still imprisoned by the deep dark secret that I’m gay.
I can’t tell my aged, deeply religious, extremely conservative mother…it would probably land her on her death-bed.
I can’t tell another close relative…he’s one of the guys who sexually abused me…and I just can’t go there.
I can’t tell other family members and the people I attend church with because they would immediately condemn me to hell…and tell my wife to leave.
I can’t tell the friends I work with…because they have already shown their true colors as bigoted knuckleheads.
So, in the world of mixed emotions, this is a doozy. By keeping this secret I’m both protected…you might say liberated. And, I’m also all boxed in…imprisoned to the fear of rejection, broken relationships, condemnation, etc. So, as long as I keep the secret, I’m safe…but by keeping the secret I’m… Yeah, you get it…it’s such a vicious cycle.
Secrets weight heavily upon on us all. It drives us to unhealthy solitude. It’s lonely here in the secret world. It’s not fun. It lacks direction, because it never sees the light of day. It’s one cause of great sadness and depression. Secrets keep us from experiencing an unconditional love of family and friends.
The writer of this blog eloquently describes this battle. I quote his last paragraph: “I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to hide. I just want to be me. What would it be like, I wonder, to live openly? To not have to be on guard at every moment, lest someone suspect my deep, dark secrets?”
I guess for now I’ll just keep it to myself. The risks are just too high. I’ll have to live with my own emotional fallout.
That’s a secret all its own.