Ever wonder if and when you will feel again?
I mean, you already “feel” many things – sadness, happiness, joy, stress, etc. And that tells you that you are still alive…life is still moving on…the world is still spinning. But have you ever felt like there is this ever present numbness that is also there…somewhat strong enough to get your attention from time to time…lurking under the surface of the humdrum of life…that in the quiet or noisy or peaceful or stressful moments of life becomes overwhelmingly apparent. You can be fine one minute and the next you hit a wall.
For me, that numbness is the need to be wanted as a friend, to be understood as a fellow sojourner of life, and to be approached as a person not as a mind to be changed. It contains the inability to answer all the questions I can think of or which are asked of me. It is the inexplicable contradictions that are my life. It is the desire that is felt in my very flesh and bones. It is the fear that I wake up with in the middle of night. It’s the “getting through today” life…just going through the motions…meeting all the obligations…creating as much security and happiness that I can…desperately searching for the happy moments of a life that has been turned upside down.
Being numb isn’t all bad. It is also what gives me some semblance of sanity when I am overwhelmed with loneliness. It also helps me move on from my past. Maybe eventually, I’ll forget some of it. In the meantime, I’ll numbly stuff it.
But, being numb is also dangerous. In my way of thinking, if one is not in touch with one’s total being, it can cause permanent damage to a life, one that was or could have been beautiful…a life that could have burst out of the cocoon in glorious color and wonderment.
The trick is learning how to wake up from the numbness. I’m not there yet.