Transparency works, except when it doesn’t

I’ve wrestled these past few days with whether I should have been so transparent with everyone. Whether I should have admitted who I really am. I mean, after all, I’ve kept this part of me successfully hidden for all these long years, so surely I could have gone the rest of my life, right? I could have figured out a way to manage the pressure and stress, just like I did in the past, right?? The pain and the heartbreak I’ve introduced into the lives of my family is just awful. Some are obviously struggling in knowing how to handle this new me. So maybe I should have kept it all locked away.

But, compartmentalized and hidden life is no life at all. It’s a prison.

Transparency works great in being honest and breaking down walls. It means that one is totally honest about what’s going on. I’m really transparent now. I’m an open book. Questions get asked, I answer honestly…about everything – temptation, sexual urges, you name it. I’ve never in all my life been this honest. And, it’s working. It’s releasing. It’s a breath of fresh air. It’s new life.

On the other hand, it’s not working so well. Well, maybe “not working” is not the right phrase. I struggle to know how to explain it, but on the outside it looks like the pain that my wife and family are dealing with. I see the pain and tears. I hear the broken hearts. I see the disappointment on their faces. I sense the hesitation of friends. I get the awkwardness of everyone. So, in that regard, it’s not working so well. I am learning that transparency has many negative side effects, just like the positive ones we all hope for.

Transparency would have worked well during my growing up years, but my home environment was not one where transparency was welcomed. It would have been good to be transparent before I got married, but thinking I could handle “it” and stay straight was a more “logical” choice. So now I live in the realm of delayed transparency.

I can’t go back. Not that I want to, because the hidden life from before was just as maddening. I just want it to get better.

Because, I’m the same guy. I’m the same Trevor that they knew before I officially came out. This is the same country boy that they grew to know and love. I’m just a truer me than you’ve ever known. I’m still me.

And because I’m me – now more than ever – I hope that transparency works really well. Soon.

-Trevor

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